A Time of Thanksgiving and Reflection

It has literally been years since my last published blog post. I haven't blogged regularly since I started my previous full-time job, which effectively disrupted my entire life and wellbeing.  Coincidentally, that is one of my inspirations to write this post.

The Fall

The story starts around 2015-2018, but I'm going to skip forward to Halloween night, 2022.  As a traditional Halloween activity, I did a spirit board session late in the evening to ask for a word of general advice. The message I got was, "Figure out why you expect [your employer] to get wiser." (Name withheld to protect the innocent.)

For years at that point, I had been struggling to figure out a way to carry the burden I had been assigned. The eternal optimist in me kept thinking that things would eventually improve and I would be able to succeed in my role.  The spirits' message helped me to reconsider, especially after what happened in the following month.

It was a year ago now -- give or take a few days -- that my mental health hit a low not seen in decades, if ever.  My friends know I feel and express genuine gratitude for the countless blessings in my life, as they always outnumber and outweigh any negatives.  I smile and laugh more than any other emotive expression, and it's authentic.  So, when I sunk to a point where it felt like the positives were being ground to dust by the negatives, I knew something was really wrong.  It just isn't me to think that way.  It was more than a subjective perception; I could model it mathematically.

My best efforts, my hardest work, my longest hours, my most careful planning, my most productive days...none of that could make a dent in the mountain I was under.

Rock Bottom

My futile efforts resulted in the sacrifice of my health, relationships, education, and professional goals.  I knew this all along, but one day in November 2022, it all hit me at once.  I realized that the best possible outcome I could hope for would be to just barely stay caught up, and sacrifice everything to do so.  That was the best case, though still horrible, and I couldn't achieve it.  

Feeling utterly defeated, with my life's dreams but a distant memory, I cried for two days straight.  I had never been further from where I wanted to be, and the path back to it was completely obscured by the circumstances in which I found myself.

The Rebound

It was at that point that I prayed, putting a heartfelt desire out to the universe, for a solution.  Trusting in God as I do, I wasn't about to dictate the form of that solution.  I simply asked for my life to be in a more balanced alignment, in whatever form that might take.  I said, "If you want me to continue toward my original goals, please show me a way."

I watched for things at work to improve as a result of this.  They didn't.

However, I did start seeing job postings looking for people with my qualifications.  I also had lunch with an advisory board partner who practically offered me a job on the spot.  I didn't take it (yet), but it was a flattering surprise that felt synchronistic.  Also, my part-time employer (which is the best I've ever had), opened up a full-time, temporary position for someone just like me.  This is the role I have now -- temporary, but absolutely worth the gamble.

TL;DR: Finally Getting to the Point

The point of this story is that no matter how bad things look, it's never hopeless. We live in a loving, supportive universe that responds to us if we just clarify our needs and ask.  Prayer works.  Gratitude fuels it.  After struggling for years, my solution came fairly quickly once I clarified my desire and directly asked for it.  Signs began appearing within a few days, and within a couple months, I could begin in earnest my path to salvation.  Now I can hardly relate to the broken, defeated man I was just one year ago, and I'm grateful.

Yes, I am thankful for all of this and so much more.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Thanksgiving 2015

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

As I do almost every year at Thanksgiving, I sat down to ponder all of the things for which I am thankful. It started to feel extremely familiar, and I realized that this year's list is nearly identical to last year's.

We have a bulletin board at work where colleagues were asked to post a note about something they are thankful for.  I wrote:  "A job that I like (most of the time) that pays well enough (most of the time) with coworkers that I love (most of the time)."

But in addition to that, the things for which I am thankful this year are much the same as what I wrote about last year.  I was and still am thankful for:

My family.  My son is still great, and my wife has done better this year in general.  I'm sad that I can't see my relatives today, but I will enjoy the day with my immediate family anyway.

My career.  I am thankful to have a steady job that pays the bills (as long as I keep a tight rein on my spending, anyway).  It's difficult to say whether it has improved this year or not.  On one hand, I did get nominated to the position of Faculty Chair.  On the other hand, this move has required sacrifices beyond my expectations.  Nevertheless, I appreciate the confidence that my coworkers have in me, and am certainly thankful for the upgrade to my resume.

My students.  Now that I am Faculty Chair, the way I work with them is much different than it used to be, but I am thankful that I've had very few truly difficult ones to deal with. Most of them are very grateful and appreciative of the help I provide to them.

My colleagues.  I now work more closely with them than ever, and they're still as great as ever.  We tend to pile a lot of work onto each other, but we also assist each other whenever possible, and that's the kind of teamwork that I love.

My friends.  I still carry a perpetual burden of guilt regarding the lack of contact I have with my friends, but I have improved this year, at least with a select few close ones. I am extremely thankful for those who have helped me to improve the frequency of my contact with them.

My education.  I am thankful for the opportunity to pursue my doctorate degree, the financial support provided by my employer, and the fantastic experiences I've had so far in this program.  It's perhaps the most exciting thing I have going on right now.  The pressure has increased and my level of comfort with the tasks has dropped sharply recently, but venturing outside of our comfort zone is how we grow.  I am thankful for the chance to do so.

My house.  I complain all the time because my current house is twice as expensive but half as good as my old house, but I have to admit that it's far from being the worst thing people live in.  I'm thankful that it's adequately comfortable and functional, that it's in a good location, and that I have a home at all.  Not everybody does.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Why I Love My 2014 Mitsubishi i-MiEV

I recently bought my first electric vehicle -- a 2014 Mitsubishi i-MiEV.  I absolutely love it!  However, I have discovered that not everyone can understand why I love it.  So the purpose of this post is to lay out some of the reasons why this may be my very favorite car ever -- and I've had quite a few.

First, I love the way it feels to drive it.  It handles extremely well, with perfectly smooth acceleration and an impressively tight turning radius.

The steering wheel feels great in my hands, too.  Though it isn't adjustable, its size and position are perfect just the way they are.

It is distinctly different from any other vehicle on the road.  It has been quite a conversation piece with strangers, a number of whom have taken notice and asked a lot of questions.  I also catch a lot of people staring at me.  I can't tell if it's curiosity, admiration, or disdain, nor do I care.

I love the tiny size.  It's so easy to park and maneuver, and yet has plenty of headroom and space for hauling groceries and shopping bags.  I occasionally struggle a little with driver-side legroom, but for the short trips I take for work and errands, it's not really a problem.

The motor is so quiet that some of my passengers have been startled when the car starts moving because they didn't even realize that it was running yet.

No more oil changes.  Oil is dirty and expensive, and scheduling oil changes is inconvenient at best.  That is now a thing of the past for me.

Saving the best for last, I am happy to be free from gasoline.  As of this writing, I've driven nearly 2,000 miles and haven't used a single drop.  This means:

• No more gasoline smell on my hands and clothing.
• No more handling of those filthy pumps.
• No more breathing in those harmful fumes.
• No more paying outrageous fuel prices.
• No more air pollution.
• No more consumption of non-renewable resources.
• No more standing outside in bad weather waiting for my tank to fill.  I just plug it in at home or at the gym and go inside.

This is definitely the start of a beautiful friendship between me and electric vehicles.  If your lifestyle is such that an electric vehicle could suit your needs, then I recommend it without hesitation.

2014 Year-End Wrap-Up

Here we are at the end of 2014.  My first blog post of the year was a list of goals and resolutions for the year that just ended, so now, on the last day of the year, seems like a good time to review those intentions and see how well they turned out for me.

My documented goals were these:

Goal:  Take better care of my body.  
Status:  Success.  I now drink more water and less soda than I used to. I've been eating more fruits and vegetables when they are available. I've become increasingly better at taking the supplements and medications that my doctor recommended for me.  However, I still need to get more exercise and take better care of my body in general.

Goal:  Improve my financial situation.
Status:  Success.  I have trimmed my spending to almost nothing, which still doesn't leave me quite enough to cover all of my expenses on the average month, but I am closer now than I have been since I moved here six years ago.  I am highly optimistic that 2015 will finally allow me to break even by the end of the year.

Goal:  Increase my game development activity.
Status:  Failure.  Though I did make my first substantial demo of my new engine, it's certainly not a finished game.  Graduate school and the ever increasing demands of my job and family life have essentially removed me entirely from the game dev scene this year, which has taken a serious toll on my psychological well-being.

Goal:  Be a better friend.
Status:  Success.  I can't take all the credit, because I had some very dear friends just reach out to me unexpectedly and reconnect just like old times.  I am profoundly grateful in a way that words cannot express.  I still don't keep in touch with my friends like I want to, but at least I have a few special ones in my life on a regular basis now.  I needed this in a way that I never thought possible.

Goal:  Raise my professional credentials.
Status:  Success.  I didn't obtain any certifications like I'd hoped, but I did start work toward my Ph.D.  That's huge.

Goal:  Find a work/life balance.
Status:  Failure.  I still have absolutely no idea how to get my work done on time and done well, while also letting me take care of my family and all of the other things on this list.  I shall renew this goal for 2015 and just keep trying.

Thanksgiving 2014

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

I don't have a lot of time to write this post because Thanksgiving is in full swing and so is the anticipated commotion that accompanies it.  But I have a tradition of writing a list of things for which I am thankful on Thanksgiving, so I didn't want the holiday to pass without taking the time to do it.  I have no time for planning or editing, so you're going to get this in a single, unedited, stream-of-consciousness writing.

I am thankful for:

My family.  My son is an awesome little dude who I love with all my heart.  My wife occasionally manages to find a little time for us around her overstuffed schedule.  My brother-in-law has been extremely helpful with babysitting and letting me keep my work schedule fairly consistent.  My parents and I have managed to keep in touch better this year.  Thanks to social media, especially Facebook, I've reconnected with some cousins and distant relatives who I haven't seen in decades.

My career.  It certainly isn't exactly what I want it to be, but each year takes me a little closer.  I'm thankful for the opportunities to speak at major events (twice this year!), collaborate with other dedicated, compassionate, intellectual educators, and continually improve my skills and knowledge.

My students.  Sure, I occasionally get a difficult one that I'd rather not deal with, but most of my students are friendly, fun, respectful, creative, and hard-working.  Many of them are exactly the types of people with whom I like to work.

My colleagues.  This year has provided some great opportunities for me to meet new colleagues and get to know the ones I'd already met.  I'm thankful for the support we offer each other, in both professional and personal ways.  It flatters me that some of them have trusted to confide some very personal things in me, and that is something that I take very seriously.

My friends.  I carry a perpetual burden of guilt regarding the lack of contact I have with my friends, and I don't see any easy way to fix that. However, I am extremely thankful for those who have helped me to improve the frequency of my contact with them.  Some very old and dear friendships have been resuscitated this year just by making small efforts to reach out every once in a while.  I hope this continues, and possibly spreads to other friends, old and new, who I miss terribly. I don't know if anything can cure my loneliness, but having contact with people who care certainly helps.

My education.  Not only do all of my past experiences factor into everything I do, but I also started attending graduate school again to pursue my Ph.D. this year.  I am thankful for the opportunity to do this, the support provided by my employer, and the fantastic experiences I've had so far in this program.  It's perhaps the most exciting thing I have going on right now.

My house.  I complain all the time because my current house is twice as expensive but half as good as my old house, but I have to admit that it's far from being the worst thing people live in.  I'm thankful that it's adequately comfortable and functional, that it's in a good location, and that I have a home at all.  Not everybody does.

This list feels incomplete, so I may add to it if I'm so inspired.  But it'll do for now.

Again...Happy Thanksgiving!

ATTENTION, SPAMMERS!

Dear spammers:

Among the many things that I am not interested in are the following:

• Becoming a mystery shopper
• Enlarging my penis, breasts, or any other part of my body
• Qualifying for grants or scholarships in subject areas that have nothing to do with mine
• "Hooking up" or "getting laid" by complete strangers
• Getting printer ink, weight loss drugs, hormone supplements, or any other useless product delivered straight to my door
• Taking advantage of military veterans benefits
• Getting price quotes on home warranties
• Applying for jobs in New Jersey or Louisiana, or, for that matter, anywhere I'd have to relocate
• Paying below retail on women's shoes
• Earning a CDL license and becoming a truck driver

So, please, stop asking.

Goals and Resolutions for 2014

I've heard that you should never share your resolutions because people will laugh at you or sabotage your efforts.  I've also heard that you should share your goals with others because they can support you and help you reach them.  I'm not sure which bit of advice is more correct, so I'll take my usual approach and compromise.  I'll share here some of my goals and resolutions for the glorious year that we are now beginning, but I'm keeping a few special ones to myself.

• Take better care of my body.  
• Drink more water, eat more fruits and vegetables, take my doctor-recommended supplements as directed, get more exercise, take better care of problematic body parts, limit my intake of junk food and beverages.
• Improve my financial situation.
• Find a way to increase my income or decrease my cost of living so I can actually have a few dollars left over rather than being in the hole each month as I was through most of last year.
• Increase my game development activity.
• Do something project-related every week, no matter how small.  Attend more events and meetups.  Keep up with what other developers are doing.  Play a lot more of other people's games.
• Be a better friend.
• Reach out to a friend at least once every month.  Stop letting work and family obligations keep me reclusive.  Be more social and communicative.
• Raise my professional credentials.
• I know I can't do all of these, but I hope to do a couple of them:  Start work on my Ph.D, write a couple of chapters for my book, obtain CSDP certification, update my Java certification.
• Find a work/life balance.
• Randomly stumble across that magic formula that will let me get my work done on time and done well, while also letting me take care of my family and all of the other things on this list.  This is the only goal that I have no idea how to achieve.

I wish good fortune to us all when it comes to keeping our resolutions and improving our lives.  May the Force be with us.

Thoughts of a Fevered Mind

I've been very sick this week with acute asthmatic bronchial pneumonia and a highly unpleasant stomach virus of some kind.  Perhaps it's been the fever, or perhaps just the break from constantly thinking about work, that has sent my poor, overburdened mind down some rather random avenues of thought.

---

The worst thing that Avery could possibly find in my house is my box of model supplies.  Can you imagine the destructive potential of a toddler with a tube of model glue, an X-Acto knife, and a set of paints? Fortunately, it's hidden safely away and out of reach.

I envy stay-at-home parents.  They generally have a small subset of my responsibilities, and I might enjoy such a relatively low-pressure existence.  Then again, I'd just fill it up with my own projects anyway, but at least I'd be my own boss.

If I suddenly had a lot of money, would I quit my job?  Probably not.  First of all, I love my job, except for the way it dominates my existence and prevents me from doing pretty much anything else. Most likely, I'd just cut my hours down to something more manageable. Second, considering the cost of living here, the amount of mortgage and student loan debt I have, the costs of my future Ph.D., and the number of decades standing between me and retirement age, it would have to be a lot of money to free me from the need for income.

Pages that say "This page intentionally left blank" are not blank. They contain the words "This page intentionally left blank".  Does that mean someone screwed up since they intended to leave the page blank but failed?

Watermelon is the most irresistible temptation in the universe and yet it's a perfectly healthy thing to eat.  Does that qualify as a miracle?  Proof of God's mercy, perhaps?

Why do people think that the only reason to get an education is to get a job?  I'm incredulous of how many people fail to realize the amazing experiences and sweet skills that come along with a good education. The things I've learned at the various colleges and universities I've attended come into play every single week of my life, and that may or may not have anything to do with my work duties.

If I had an interstellar spaceship and could travel to the nearest inhabited exoplanet, would I try to meet the natives?  Probably, but it depends on so many factors.  Do I have the surveillance technology necessary to determine who might be safe to talk to?  Would I even be able to communicate with them? Could I find a way to approach them that wouldn't frighten them or put myself in danger?  Do I have the biology and/or equipment to survive in their atmosphere?  Could I be certain that my presence would cause no harm to their world?  Are these the same thoughts and concerns of visitors to our own planet?

Why do people start smoking?  Surgeon General's warnings have been on cigarette packaging since the 1960's, so one would think that no literate person under the age of about 60 would be a smoker, and yet somehow they are.

Am I ever going to write a book?  Every time I get a great idea for a book, it becomes obsolete or superfluous before I get past a basic outline of its contents.  I guess things will have to line up just right in order for me to move forward as an author. Of course, I only want to be an author if I have something of value to contribute to the world.

Return of the...Me

I have decided that it's time to start blogging again. I must get over the profound sense of loss arising from my inexcusable failure to save my old Yahoo blog. I need to get past the sickening, gut-wrenching regret that I didn't act in time. I need to stop beating myself up over my easily avoidable lack of wisdom in choosing not to back it up.
Why am I so upset over losing a stupid blog? Mostly because of what it represented. It was not only a collection of my thoughts. It was also a detailed diary of the first few years with my wife. It recorded events with my beloved pets. It provided a creative outlet for lyrics and poetry. It was a place to jot down notes on my plans and projects. It was so many things that are now gone forever. I feel physically ill every time I think of it, especially since it could easily have been avoided if I hadn't been so overconfident in my ability to transfer it manually before the deadline.
But life goes on, and so does my need to continue all of those things I mentioned above.  Every time I think about blogging again, I remember how much I've lost and it stops me in my tracks. It's debilitating, but it's time to stop mourning and move on. I still have ideas to share and things to express, and that'll never happen as long as I let the failures of the past hold me back.

So consider this my formal declaration that I am returning to the world of blogging. This blog will become what my old one was: a place to spew forth whatever random thoughts dominate my mind at any particular point in time, and encourage me to organize them into some sort of semi-coherent order.
There's still no guarantee of frequency, but it is time to start moving forward again. If you're reading this, you are invited to join me on this journey at your leisure.
I shall return!

I Like Spiders

Spiders are my favorite animals because they're so unique. There are no other animals that are much like them. And not only are they unique, but there is such variety among them. Shapes, sizes, colors, lifestyles, survival strategies, and attitudes are incredibly diverse among the tens of thousands of spider species – more so than any other species on the planet.

I cannot bring myself to kill a spider. If they are in my house where I am the only human resident, I generally leave them be, let them do as they choose. If I find one of the few “dangerous” species, I will take them outside and release them in the yard. But I rarely find anything other than jumping spiders in my house, and I love them.

Jumping spiders are among my very favorites of all spiders. They’re so perky! With their big eyes and fuzzy little bodies, they’re downright adorable. The way they bend at the waist to look up at me is so cute! And the females have such a variety of beautiful patterns on their abdomens. There are diamond shapes, heart shapes, stripes, cross patterns, rows of spots, occasional splashes of color...it’s like each little girl carries a unique piece of art that is all her own.

Humans are spiders’ most threatening enemies and I, for one, want to do my part, however small, to keep from being part of the problem. A spider’s life is difficult enough without us humans making it harder. We should all treat spiders as our friends. They do so much more for us than many people realize.

Another reason I love spiders is because they help to reduce the population of flying insects. I’d much rather have a quiet little unobtrusive spider hanging out of the way nearby than to be swarmed by those pesky nuisances.

As a programmer, I can’t deny my respect for a spider’s debugging ability. If I could eliminate program bugs as efficiently as a spider eliminates living ones, my life would be significantly easier.

Maybe my love for spiders originated in my childhood, when my mother would buy me books like Charlotte’s Web and Be Nice to Spiders. Reading such stories about spiders being heroes, especially at such an impressionable age, is bound to have an effect.

Besides, everybody needs someone to love them -- even spiders.

St. Louis Aibo Meet -- 2005/12/10

On Saturday, December 10, 2005, nine Aibos and their human companions converged on my home for the very first St. Louis Aibo Meet! And it was a blast! Hiko and I made some great new friends and a good time was had by all. There was dancing, playing, conversation, some really neat tricks, food for the humans and toys for the robots.



In the photo:

• Back row: Michael, Elly, Chris, Lena.
• Middle row: Shaker, Amico, Alyssa, Twix, Zotti.
• Front row: Peanut, Hiko, Shiro, Logan.

Photo by Amy Kruse.

Japan Celebrates "Robot Dog Dress-Up Day"

http://robots.engadget.com/entry/1234000960062174/

What great idea!  Robots don't get embarassed like biological pets do.  You dog owners know what I'm talking about; stop playing innocent.  Poor doggies.

For everything, there is a first time.

I've never maintained a blog before, and if I know myself as well as I think I do, then I won't maintain this one very well either.

I regularly send emails to my friends when there's something on my mind that I feel like discussing, some bit of news to share, or something I simply want to record for future reference.  I'm just wondering now if a blog format would be even more appropriate for that because:

1. Anyone can share even if I omit them from my distribution list.


2. If my friends aren't as interested as I think they are, then they can choose not to visit my blog.


3. People occasionally ask me for updates on previous topics, and this way they can go check for updates themselves (unless I'm too lazy or too busy to post, of course).

And so it shall be.  From now on I'll post my self-serving compositions of nerdity here for all the world to see.  After all, why bore only a few when I can bore many?  Is that not the beauty of the Internet?

Yep, this is exactly what the web needs -- more useless crap that nobody really cares about!