It's All About Expectations Management

A few people in recent years have asked me how my wife and I manage to make things work when we both have so much going on in our lives.  It's a good question.  After all, my wife fills her schedule to the brim with client appointments, and any open holes get plugged up with social outings, shopping, cooking, housework, or some other diversion.  My schedule is no better -- it's currently bursting at the seams with teaching duties, curriculum development, Ph.D. studies, and a lot of time looking after my son.

If you've read any of my blogs at all, you know that the bulk of my life is firmly rooted in technology, so I'm certainly not accustomed to giving relationship advice.  However, I think that being a husband makes me qualified to share my experience as such.

So how does it work?  The answer is "expectations management."  It's an idea I picked up from my profession as a software engineer.  The primary purpose of managing expectations is to maintain a consensus between stakeholders regarding what can reasonably be expected from a project.  We aim to prevent disappointment by establishing what can realistically be delivered, and these expectations are periodically adjusted as details emerge and feasibility is assessed.

Some people place unreasonably heavy expectations on marriage.  For a time, I was one of those people.  Popular culture seems to suggest that we must marry someone who shares our interests, a companion who likes to do things together, a best friend that we can talk to about anything, a source of strength through life's challenges, someone to share a bed with on those cold nights, and a partner who will encourage and support us to reach our goals.  For some relationships, a subset of these expectations may be somewhat realistic.  For others, they are not.

In my marriage, for instance, not a single one of the above features is achievable on a large scale, but this does not necessarily imply a failed project.  Rather, the focus is shifted onto what can be done, and the expectations are set accordingly.  It's just a matter of accepting it for what it is and appreciating the good things.  For example, my wife is an outstanding chef.  (Check out her amazing cooking blog.)  She's also good at helping me take care of our son.  She does most of the grocery shopping and pays most of her own expenses.  She provides countless favors both large and small, like driving me to work when the weather is bad and helping me with various personal hygienic routines such as haircuts, shaving, and nail trimming.  I tremendously appreciate all of these things and more, and I take every opportunity to let her know.

So, to the question of how we make it work, the answer is a wise old classic: Focus on the positives, appreciate what you have, and maintain an attitude of gratitude.  Don't be overly obsessed with comparing yourselves to others, or to what is considered "normal" or "healthy".  Just be thankful for what you have and you may find that it's enough to get you by.

This is not just marriage advice, it's good advice for nearly all aspects of life (well, outside of software testing and risk management anyway -- it's terrible advice in those areas).  Accentuate the positives!